An open letter to every bug in the entire world.

(100 Days to go)
Dear every bug in the entire world:

I'm writing this letter to adress the fact that I saw you ALL last night at Lake Scranton. It was "good" to see that the nice weather was enjoyed by more than just myself. It seems that you (collectively) took advantage of warmer temperatures and came out to enjoy the pleasentness of Lake Scranton. More power to you. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

I would like to make one request for the future. As is customary with large gatherings such as Republican National Conventions, citywide Olympic events, and other large scale occurances, I recommend that you inform the general public of your intentions before you impose your masses apon unsuspecting bystanders.

It's not that I mind that you need to get together once in a while. I understand that there are global issues that need to be addressed, and can only be done so at a venue that accommodates the majority of your kind. Discussions of global warmning, increasing winds, repellant/fogger technology, and the evolution of frogs' tounges are very important to your existance. I understand this. My problem is that I had no idea what I was getting into when I ran around Lake Scranton last night.

First off, I'd like to apologize. I may have inadvertantly eaten some of you. Please believe that this was not my primary intention for the date in question. Although I do need supplimental energy and protein during some of my longer runs, my body did not require any additional nutritional input during the 3.6 miler last night. Also, I used a "swatting motion" (you know this as the open hand of breazy doom) as I ran around the lake. Please understand that this was to prevent you from accidentally entering my mouth, nose, eyes, ears, and from sticking to my sweat. It should in no way be interpreted as an act of agression.

As an avid runner, I encounter many obsticles during my activities; tame squirrels that run toward me, unmaintained running surfaces, people who think they "own the road", and the always impending weather in many, many forms. After some time, I've accepted these as unavoidable hurdles and have learned to deal with them effectively. My encounter with your convention however, is unacceptable and can not be tolerated in future running events.

I cannot run in fear. I will not. I have issues. You want to hear about some of my issues? If I get a hair in my mouth, I freak out. Whenever I get out of the shower, it is chaos because I fear that soap/shampoo has somehow accidentally gotten past my lips. I hate it. I have trouble taking medication because I don't like the way it feels in my mouth. Having one million of you fly in my face is a horrible, horrible thing. That's why, for 36 minutes yesterday, I only breathed out - never took one breath in. This needs to be addressed.

I'm bigger than you. Don't piss me off. You know that if I have to take actions to defend myself, they will not be small actions. I'll fog all your asses. I'll spray shit on you that you've never even heard of! Ever hear of a bug bomb? Bring it. I'll be ready.

I will not take these actions if you respond positively to this letter. I fully expect you to decrease your numbers immediately in the vicinity of Lake Scranton. I know you have to do your thing. Just do it off the trail! Do it 10 feet off the path. Nobody even goes there! Why must you hover around in crazy circles on the running path?! If I even find out that you are breeding, so help me god. . . . . . I'm getting itchy just thinking about it (I'm not kidding).

I do not want to fight, but I will do what is necessary to protect myself. Should you continue your actions, please be prepared for the imminent demise of your species.

Thank you for your time. Please understand that it is my intention to live harmoniously. You don't see humans getting in your face and bothering you; getting all up in your homes, recklessy destroying you out of personal convenience. . . . . . . . er. Um. Just stop.

Thank you,

Tim